Management Jokes

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Leave applications (murdering english language)

Infosys, Bangalore: "Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."

Oracle, Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "As I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."

Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

From H.A.L. Administration Dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave."

Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o'clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

A leave letter: "I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

A leave letter to a headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

Another letter written to a headmaster: "As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."

Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom..."

Actual application for leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

Letter writing: "I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.

Telegram sent by a Rural br.manager to Zonal office
"wife serious, send substitute!"

Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home??
Boss: I am a lion at home too, But Durga sits on the lion there !

Economics is not that difficult if we have the right examples.
Interviewer: What is Recession?
Candidate: When "Wine & Women" get replaced by "Water & Wife", that critical phase of life is called Recession!!

Boss: So tell me young man, on which occasions have you realised that you are important in the Company and company cannot function without you???
Employee : "Sir, whenever I asked for leave"!!

A Company Owner was asked a Question:
"How do you Motivate ur Employees to be so much Punctual?"
He Smiles & Replies:
"It's simple; I have 30 Employees and 29 free Parking spaces 1 paid

Boss:- We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

Height of Corporate Torture.
A company employee went to TOILET.
As he sat on the seat on front wall was written:
"Had u put the same pressure at work, company's targets would have been achieved today"

Amazing reply by employee - if you apply such pressure what comes out will always be shit!

Customer care officer: I need a product identification no: right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Customer: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Customer: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."

Three Finer Points:
Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
- It's not that good help is hard to find, it's just that bad help is so hard to get rid of.
- They say you need a can-do attitude to get ahead in life. I disagree -- many people obviously got to be Vice-Presidents of major corporations just by snapping a few pictures of their respective CEO's and his secretary.

A manager is known by three measures:

The thickness of the carpet in his office.

The area of his desk.

The volume of his car's engine.

Personnel manager: "What made you leave your last job?"
Applicant: "Sickness."
Personnel manager: "And what was the problem?"
Applicant: "My boss was sick of me!"

Personal Manager to New job applicant: "Why did your manager fire you?"
"Well a manager is the man who stands arround and watches others work, right? " the young appicant replied.
"Yes, but why did he fire you?"
"He was jelous of me. A lot of workers thought i was the manager!"

Personnel Manager interviewing prospective employee: "Your application states you were at your last place for 25 years. Then what made you leave the place?"

Hoperful applicant: "I was forced to-they granted me parole!"

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