Oneliner Jokes

Generally a man does not go to the place again where he has been cheated once�
But many people still go to their in-laws place..????

Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married? That was common sense leaving your body.

Great lines by K.V. Ramachandran Nair:
"Change cannot be given to you everytime. You must bring the change"
Who is K.V. Ramachandran Nair?
He is a bus conductor. Now read it again.

Hilarious Laws which you have not studied in schools:

Question: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
Answer: A heavy discussion.

Question: Why did the tomato turn red?
Answer: It saw the salad dressing!

Question: What do you call a ghosts mom and dad?
Answer: Transparents.

Question: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
Answer: Reports say it was due to too many strokes.

Question: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Answer: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

Question: What did the triangle say to the circle?
Answer: You're pointless!

Question: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of?
Answer: Trouble.

Question: Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
Answer: Because they're all in High School!

Question: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Answer: Thunderwear.

Question: Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
Answer: A Mer-Maid.

Question: What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry?
Answer: Urgent Tina.

Question: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
Answer: I better not tell you, it might spread.

Question: Why was the math book sad?
Answer: Because it had too many problems.

Question: Why can't a leopard hide?
Answer: Because he's always spotted!

Question: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Answer: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Question: Why did the barber win the race?
Answer: Because he took a short cut.

Question: Where do boats go when they get sick?
Answer: The dock.

Question: Can February March?
Answer: No. But April May.

Question: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
Answer: To get a root canal.

Question: What do you call a person that chops up cereal.
Answer: A cereal killer.

Question: What kind of emotions do noses feel?
Answer: Nostalgia.

Question: Music Teacher: What's your favourite musical instrument?
Answer: Kid: The lunch bell.

Question: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Answer: Because then it would be a foot!

Question: What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?
Answer: A Barbercue.

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing A cake in such a way that Everybody believes He got the biggest piece

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco Rolled in paper With fire at one end And a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement Wherein A man loses his bachelors degree And a woman gains her masters

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man Multiplied by the Number present

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which Masculine will power is Defeated by feminine water-power!

CLASSIC: A book Which people praise, But never read

SMILE: A curve That can set A lot of things straight!

OFFICE: A place Where you can relax After your strenuous Home life

YAWN: The only time When some married men Ever get to open Their mouth

EXPERIENCE: The name Men give To their Mistakes

DIPLOMAT: A person Who tells you To go to hell In such a way That you actually look forward To the trip

OPTIMIST: A person Who while falling From EIFFEL TOWER Says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

MISER: A person Who lives poor So that He can die RICH!

FATHER: A banker Provided by Nature

BOSS: Someone Who is early When you are late And late When you are early

POLITICIAN: One who Shakes your hand Before elections And your Confidence Later

DOCTOR: A person Who kills Your ills By pills, And kills you By his bills!

Law of equality :
The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 minutes is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll cal you in 5 minutes!

Law of Queue:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.😅

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.😐

Bath Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
People with the seats at the farthest from the entry arrive last. 😅

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Proposal :
After you accept a proposal you will find a better one...😜

Law of getting late
When you reach early for something it will never start on time😜😉

Law of exam
If you didn't read a page which is of least importance, first question will be from that page only.

Whats d diff btwn Pongal n idly?
Ans : U ll get a holiday for pongal but not for idly.

What is the height of confusion?
Two earth worms Playing HIDE AND SEEK in a Plate full of noodles.

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in.
She said - Cheque books!.

Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married? That was common sense leaving your body.

Marriage is like a public toilet...
Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.

"If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel"

"Listening to wife is like reading the terms and conditions of website. You understand Nothing, still you agreed..."

"Chess is the only game in the world, which reflects the status of the husband. The poor King can take only one step at a time...While the mighty Queen can do whatever she likes."

"All men are brave. Horror movies don't scare them...But 5 missed calls from wife...surely dead..."

Outside a PHOTO studio.. an innovative Tagline...
:
:
:
"We can shoot your wife and also frame your mother-in-law"...
On demand we can even nail and hang them

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Taxiwala:- "Saheb Break fail ho gayi hai, Gaadi rukti nahi, kya karu?"
Passenger :- "PEHLE TU METER BAND KAR.!"

I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants Black Coffee.

Getting caught is the mother of Invention. Laugh and the world laughs with you, Snore and you sleep alone. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is the fact that it has never tried to contact us. A traffic slogan: Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough or else they will never be. Sign in a restaurant: All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager. A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married, Guess what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua. Q: Why don't aliens eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny!!

Q: What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
A: Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea (pee) soup!

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, because, ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Tourist Resort is a place where no one knows how unimportant you are at home.

Name the 3 fastest means of communication?Telephone, Television and Tell-a-woman!

Love Affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either.

The trouble with being a good sport is, you have to loose in order to prove it.

An optimist: A man who gets married when he's seventy-five and then looks for a house near a school.

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce : Future tense of marriage

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

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